TINA D. PANGILINAN, MD
It was a test of faith in March 2020! Little did I know that this would be a mild prelude to the bigger storm to come. In my medical practice as a pediatrician, Covid did not spare my family and me.
I described then SARSCov2 as a novel virus with exponential transmission, brutal in ravaging the lungs, & disastrous in affecting all organ systems, leading to blood clots & eventual multiple organ failure.
At that time, my husband had a persistent sore throat; he isolated himself, we waited in fear for the worst to come, we prayed hard as a family for his protection. Then his RTPCR came out (-). We rejoiced and praised and thanked the Lord!!
In 2020, I decried our young colleagues, sacrificing the best years of their lives, dying at the front lines! This year 2021, the virus hit closer to home, with so many friends, relatives, and loved ones dying, unable to be treated in NCR hospitals which were all bursting at their seams.
This tragedy was the background when we encountered the storm of our lives.
The three of us doctors in our family bubble –- my husband, our daughter & I all contracted Covid infection. Our two other children, who were mostly in their rooms working from home, were spared.
When our RTPCR turned out +, we were horrified!
Three days later, I started to have a dry cough followed by a low-grade fever. The next day my husband started to have the same symptoms. We all isolated ourselves. We decided to have our RTPCR retaken & it turned out to be +.
Our anxious waiting began. Early on, I just had additional symptoms of sore throat, myalgia, and later weakness and fatigue. For mild to moderate cases, what kills a person is stress & anxiety! One is entirely isolated, lies down at night in weakness & discomfort, feeling how the body will fight the virus if it ever will. It was worse for my husband who developed moderate pneumonia.
Who is to determine who wrestles the virus & lives? Or who is overwhelmed when going into respiratory distress – the oxygen, intubation, ventilation, intensive care, and the whole gamut of compassionate use-medicines, and dies? As if that is not enough. The final blow is the terrifying hospital bill running to the millions! One not only leaves one’s family as instant orphans but is completely bankrupt! I kept thinking & asking myself – can I live without my husband or worse, can my children survive without their parents? And this was precisely what was happening to my family! Will my children relive the worst nightmare my family & I went through?!?
In this sense, I thought that the Covid19 infection becomes a physical and mental disease – seemingly a spiritual battle between good and evil. The overpowering negative thoughts of this disease are what can torment the sick person. It is even worse for doctors because we know the exact course. We know when it turns sour, its devastating effects, and when it reaches the point of no return. We see the futility of all medicines & treatment modalities available. All these thoughts which orbited in my mind were draining out my energy and depressing my immune system.
At this point, I decided to turn to the Lord: divine healer, source, and giver of all that I am and all that I have and know. I realized why it took me time to turn to him. I was moving on my own, totally dependent on my strength, knowledge, and skills as a doctor. I had forgotten the one behind it all, the one who gave me this gift – this talent – of being a doctor. I had failed to acknowledge him in all of these!
At the peak of my fear & anxiety, I turned to my Savior.
Instead of watching the news, I immersed in all my Jesuit Lauds music, talked to the Lord, dropped anchor & surrendered all to Him. Then I replayed the moments of my life where the Lord stayed on with me, rescued me, worked numerous miracles in me, and I realized my lack of faith!
I’m sorry, Lord, for being such a shameless, faithless daughter! How could I have doubted you when you have always been present through the many years of my life!
Concretely I saw the image of Jesus in the same boat with our family, addressing the storm to be quiet & the waves to be still.
The above scene was God’s most vital message of faith, trust, & complete surrender. It gave me hope and renewed my strength.
In my life’s roller-coaster ride, the Lord has always been there with me, guiding me through the highs and lows, teaching me to be strong, to hold on to the railings & not to let go. But after all this time, even if a break should appear in the tracks, I will not be surprised to find Him ready to catch me when I fall.
At this point in my life, I can only describe my sentiment towards the Lord in the words of St. Therese of Lisieux — “It is enough to recognize one’s nothingness and to abandon one’s self like a child in the arms of a loving God.”