BERNIE CUEVAS
Entering my 5-day silent retreat, my first since the pandemic, I longed for time with God. My days have been filled with DOING. All the services I render for the Lord have become an all-consuming expression of my love for the Lord. But there remained this wish. This longing is not an isolated feeling because I have heard this from priest friends, community friends, communal group conversations, and retreatants. I hear the same yearning and the same desire, yet somehow, all seemed, myself included, unable to break out from the cycle of full service to find enough time to STOP, take a break, spend quiet meditative, and contemplative time, and find rest in the presence of the Lord. This rest includes physical (service can be exhausting), emotional, allowing feelings to linger, to be felt deeply, discerning the presence of God in those feelings, and spiritual, dwelling on the word of God, savoring it, listening to what the Lord is saying deep in my heart.
The Lord answered my prayer, and the timing was perfect since the retreat house was about to “close” to give way to 30-day spiritual exercises for seminarians/religious. I thank the Lord for giving me this window of opportunity to have my retreat instead of attending a conference where my presence was not essential. Finding an available spiritual director was also solved by a “Godcidence” that allowed a friend to connect me to a priest from Australia who accepted me and was already in Sacred Heart Novitiate. Indeed, God answers the deepest desires of the heart.
I will only focus on one special experience among the many leadings, revelations, unfolding, and invitations I received from the Lord during contemplation. And it happened quite unexpectedly. I was contemplating the Love of God. Fr Renato Zecchin, SJ, gave me beautiful daily readings and reflections. That morning during the direction, he gave me a reflection on God, Our One Foundation… God loves me and asked me to ask myself each day if I was in consolation or desolation. Did I feel drawn to God or drawn away from Him?
I was going back to day one, one of the first readings, as a background to my experience. I was given a reflection on the article written by Ginny Kubitz Moyer on “The Five Senses and Being Fully Alive. She quoted St Irenaeus’ words “The Glory of God is a man (and woman) fully alive. I was invited to pay attention to my five senses as an excellent way to cultivate my paying attention, being aware of God’s presence in the present moment, right where I am. I spent my first day just doing that, connecting to my five senses and using these to sense the presence of God in His creation using all my senses. I touched flowers, listened to the sounds around me, chewed, and became aware of the delicious taste of the food being served. My prayer was for me to open up, relax, think of nothing, and allow God to find me, and I asked for the grace to receive His love and presence in my emptiness.
That was my disposition when I sat down on one of the swings facing the back of Faber Hall near the pen of the sheep. In front of me was a tree with beautifully spread branches on both sides, and I immediately felt the presence of the Lord while gazing at the tree, inviting me to feel His embrace. The lyrics came from God of Silence came to mind “To rest in your embrace I cannot feel,” yet somehow, I felt the warm embrace of the Lord. A soft wind blew, and it felt like God’s kisses on my cheeks and face, and I felt loved all over. As the wind blew stronger, I felt the passion of God’s love for me. The murmuring of the leaves and the branches as they touched each other as the breeze moved them were like murmurs of love. The smell of freshly cut grass all around made me feel very refreshed. The gentle swaying of the swing made me feel that I was being cradled in God’s embrace. The moment was so beautiful, and I thought, “This is how true consolation feels.” To feel so loved by God that I could not help but be drawn to His love and to stay in that love no matter what. No more words could express that beautiful moment except that the memory is so powerful and deeply imbedded in my heart. It is truly unforgettable. God was fully Present to me. He was not a God of Silence that day.
When I brought it for direction the next day, Father told me I experienced the Joy of Being. Something to treasure and something to go back to in time of desolation. I thank the God of presence, the God of love, and the God of life for making me “know’ and desire the “joy of being” not just at that moment but to always “be” in the present, in the presence of God, fully present to Him with all my senses, that I not miss out on seeing him, hearing him, feeling him, smelling him and even tasting his goodness in the bounty He spreads before me every day of my life. Thank you, Lord.