CELERY
When Amanda was but four years old, she stood one day in front of my husband, Andy, and myself as we tried to teach her what we believed to be proper behavior.
Just imagine her small frame and height. At one point, she put her hands on her hips, looked straight up at her 6’1″ father and 5′ 5 1/2″ mother, and declared:
“But this is my life!”
I believe that God gave her that special gift of determination and strength of character from the start, with which to navigate life, beginning in her late teens, when the storm called mental illness upended her “normal” life. Amanda was later diagnosed with schizophrenia – a serious, disabling, frightening mental disorder that makes one interpret reality abnormally. This changed life for her and for me forever.
It was a journey that bound us intricately as mother and daughter. I was at a loss.
In 2010, Amanda was hospitalized for the 3rd and last time after her second episode. During my visits to her at the Makati Medical basement, she distrusted me and was not interested in seeing me.
Her doctors recommended placing her in a group home in the province as she had no hope of recovering toward a normal life.
In my near desperation, I continued to visit Amanda with only one prayer: “Lord, that she may see you in me.”
God answered me. Amanda came home to us, her family, and never to a group home as planned.
God worked on me first. He taught me to totally depend on Him for every word I would utter to Amanda or what her schedule would be like at home.
He made me see that I was not there to “manage” or be in command of her treatment. I was there to relate to her simply with dignity and respect, without imposing myself or my ideas on her.
I would take my cues from her about what she was ready or not ready to do. I learned to honor the person beyond the condition.
The biggest lesson I ever learned from God was how to love my daughter as he loves.
It was a long and tough journey, but one marked by God’s grace of transformation, both in Amanda and me. My trust in God inspired Amanda’s own trust, and together we experienced God’s victory.
Amanda regained her confidence and began to dream of her future. She worked at different jobs, finished College – pursued her interest in fashion design, and joined Singles for Christ.
Amanda’s life had become a spiritual battle outside the medical intervention.
And oh, what a fierce warrior she was! She fought the demons of her mental illness, determined to remain in God’s protection and love because she knew she belonged only to him.
Her response to Him was one of abiding gratitude, never complaining about her illness or unending, strong medications.
Despite the limitations, she gave the best of herself and was endearing to her family, friends, and others who met her and came to know her.
Her faith in God and her growing relationship with Him sustained her, and God became most vital in her life.
But, the evil spirit is alive, indeed, ready to assault at the sign of even the slightest weakness or opening.
On the day that Amanda’s life abruptly ended, I cried to God, shaken in shock and anguish: “Lord, what happened here??!!”
And deep in my heart, I heard him say: “Celia, I got this.”
Had we followed the original plan of the doctors for Amanda to be put in a group home in 2010, or had we rushed her in early January to the emergency psychiatric ward, it would have been the end of Amanda’s freedom of her life with God.
I know, for she had been in that scenario twice. I had seen her suffer horribly and in that terrifying and pitiful state.
Being there again would have destroyed her. Heavily sedated, probably given again Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), or strapped to her bed whenever they could not contain her, feeling imprisoned, defeated, aimless and alone in darkness – she would have been a spiritual zombie at best.
Fr. Jocis Syquia, an exorcist of the Archdiocese of Manila, whom I had consulted about Amanda’s illness in 2007 and after her passing, provided some answers.
He said that in all the sufferings brought by her illness, her faith was tested, but in her lucid moments, she had given herself entirely to God.
Excerpts from what Fr. Jocis said, with his permission:
“As long as we did what we could with life’s difficulties, this is enough for God, and whatever is beyond that, God takes care of us in his own marvelous ways, drawing good from evil and making our works more perfect.
For God, the soul is paramount. If God, therefore, permitted Amanda to die this way, it was due to what He saw as the perfect time within the confines of her life history. This is how the interplay of freedom and God’s grace works in every person’s life.
The most important thing is a relationship with Him; hence He will use even our mistakes to facilitate this relationship. Amanda is totally in God’s hands, and that’s what matters.”
I give thanks and praise and all the glory to God for what he has done for Amanda and for me! In spite of her illness, he gave her the grace to commit to a personal relationship with him – to get to know, love, and respond to him with meaning and purpose. Just this New Year’s, Amanda told me in her usual, humble self – “Mom, I think I am getting closer to God.”
The Lord made our relationship as mother and daughter so strong and secure in him – a taste of heaven – these past 12 years. Together he filled our lives with laughter, adventure, discovering books, music, fashion, and art, fun times at the mall, taking walks in the streets of BGC, exploring shops, restaurants, and new places, enjoying Tagaytay and our meaningful trips to South Africa, Israel, and India! We were partners, we became very close.
In our love triad, God taught Amanda and me what it is, why, and how to live a life single-heartedly for him, with him, and through him – leaving us with a deep connection for each other – lasting forever in heart and spirit.
In the last moments of her life, Amanda and I were in a close embrace, as we prayed. I believe it was God’s affirmation that the three of us were inextricable. Heaven and earth may seem far apart, yet you and I, Amanda, are but a breath away from each other, in God.
And with faith and joy, we believe that “his secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory.” (1 Corinthians 2:7)
I shared the above piece on the 40th day of my daughter’s death, February 25, 2023. Fr. Ramon Bautista, SJ said the Mass (see his homily, March 1, 2023, under Gifts and Graces, White Butterfly).
Below is a song I wrote and composed for Amanda entitled A Song for Amanda – You, and I, and God. I asked my friend, Lester Delgado to arrange, sing, and record it. This was played on the 40th day after my sharing.
You, and I, and God
You, and I, our Lord our God
Who led us through our pains
In sorrow and in darkness
Into his wonderful light.
Turning our days into joy and gladness
Changing our hearts into his likeness
And in trying to love the way he does
we cherished each other evermore.
You, and I, and God
You, and I, our Lord, our God
He took us in this journey
We knew not where he’d lead us
Surrender and trust we offered him.
We are his children, he makes us worthy
Showing his face in our love and kindness
Drawing us closer, always with him,
follow him no matter where he takes us.
Angels and saints rejoice in heaven
For a life well lived, a race completed
1 shall continue what God began in us
Until the time we meet again.
Thank you Celia for sharing. This is just sooo beautiful. You are both surely in the special embrace of our Lord🙏🏼
Celia, thank you for sharing your journey and prayerful life with Amanda. What a lovely prayer in a song. Amanda and you will always be in my daily prayers.
A most beautiful reflection on how to cooperate with God’s grace and mercy.
I have been wanting to talk to you but did know how and where to begin. You laid it out so well Celia, I don’t think anybody could have done any better or more. The world would be shortchanged if what I just read can not reach widespread. This is needed for the understanding and benefit of everyone especially in similar situations. Love, Minda.
Such beautiful sharing of a spiritual triad.
A Lenten reflection on Trust and Acceptance knowing God’s never ending merciful love to all His people.
Hugs to you, dear Celia!
Maraming salamat Tita Celia, for writing this moving article.
Marami at malalim ho pala ang mga pinagdaanan ni Amanda dahil sa kanyang kondisyon at ninyo ni Tito Andy bilang magulang.
At ang ganda kung paano kayo binago ng Diyos para harapin ang sitwasyon. Ganoon din kung paano ninyo dinesisyunan na huwag nang dalhin pang muli si Amanda sa group home, dahil malamang dito natapos ang freedom ni Amanda of “her life with God”.
Sang-ayon ho ako kay Father na ang presensya ng Diyos sa ating buhay ang importante—sa panahon man ng pagsubok o tagumpay.
Na ang relasyon natin sa Kanya—ang pang-unawa sa Kanyang mga gawa at ang tiwala sa Kanyang mga pasya—ay patuloy.
Salamat hong muli sa pagbahagi.
Thank you so much Mary Anne, Raquel, Tina, Minda, Minching, and Bong for your precious comments on the loss of my beloved daughter. These have brought me consolation and God’s peace and joy.
Dear Celia. I almost missed the opportunity to read this beautiful story of love, compassion, courage and trust in the Lord. Indeed one of God’s purpose for Amanda’s life comes to its fullness in sharing her life’s struggles and victories and how a mother’s unconditional unrelenting love could move mountains so Amanda could life her life in freedom. What a blessing and an assurance this story is to me personally. Thank you for leading Me to this tonight.
What a beautiful testimony to God’s faithfulness! This is inspiring me to move forward in my struggles. Thank you for sharing, Celia.
Thank you, Celia, for sharing your innermost thoughts and experiences with Amanda. I am truly overwhelmed by both your faith in Him. May we all be like you and Amanda when faced with such challenging situations.
Your love story and your song to Amanda are so inspirational. Thank you for making us see God from a better light and prospective. You are exceptional! God bless you always.
I normally do not reply to comments to my articles although we welcome and appreciate all your comments in White Butterfly very much.
However, I need to respond to my dear friend and classmate, Marilou, after our talk yesterday to give praise and thanks to our Lord.
Marilou – thank you for your comment in White Butterfly. You accurately described in just one paragraph my life with God and how he has transformed me and continues to do each day. You have encouraged me to continue to be faithful to him and live in any situation and under all circumstances, mindful of your words – “the sweet aroma of Jesus”!
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