Seeing in a New Light

CAT PALOMO

In her early twenties, Steph was a World Wildlife Fund volunteer in marine biology. She enjoyed researching the coral reefs of Mindoro and dreamed of working with the Department of Environment and Natural Resources.

But then, she would return to Iligan and be with Jan, her boyfriend.

Eventually, they’d start living together, much to the disapproval of our parents, who insisted on their getting married. Reluctantly, they did.

Then, one fateful Saturday in June 2004, as Jan volunteered to drive our brother 10 minutes from home, a harrowing accident happened that would change Steph’s path forever!

Accompanying Jan, Steph decided not to don her seatbelt, as the ride was short. But then, Jan lost control; the brakes failed, and the car collided with an electric post in a deserted section of the road.

Steph recalled seeing Jan unconscious, his head slumped on the wheel. Then, she would get out of the car, crying for help, only to pass out on the empty road.

Awakened, she would find Jan cradling her to an empty jeepney, where a kind soul would bring them to the hospital.

Lying in the hospital’s emergency room, Steph could not open her eyes, struggling with throbbing pain and contusions all over her face. Assessing the gravity of her condition, an opthalmologist recommended her immediate transfer to Cagayan de Oro for surgery.

Amidst the hurried preparations, Steph found herself struggling with disorientation. No one had taken the time and courage to explain her condition fully. She had many unanswered questions. Each tearful inquiry from concerned visitors only added to her confusion. She silently wondered about the extent of her facial damage and the change in her appearance.

A two-hour surgery stretched into an agonizing six. Exhausted and disheartened, the surgeon emerged from the operating room, unable to salvage Steph’s eyesight. Her vision was fragmented entirely from the inside.

A second surgery came in two weeks to insert a gas bubble into her eyes to prevent them from sinking. It was precautionary to avoid further complications. With it came stringent restrictions on movement and tear-shedding.

In a desperate gesture of love, Jan offered to donate one of his eyes to restore Steph’s vision. However, the complexity of her case rendered an eye transplant impossible.

Hope became their lifeline in those dark hours, a precious commodity as elusive as the air they breathed. For Steph, it felt as though everything she had held dear had been cruelly stripped away.

Later, discovering that she was pregnant added complexity to Steph’s dire situation. Concerns for her unborn child weighed heavily on her mind, heightened by the uncertainty of her future. Terminating the pregnancy crossed her thoughts, a painful contemplation borne of fear, confusion, and uncertainty.

Steph fought her depression hard. Often, she was filled with questions of faith and fate. ‘What higher purpose could justify such suffering?’ she asked herself.

Though she found solace in her faith, her prayers often echoed in the void – unheard and unanswered. Yet, in the quiet moments, she found strength in her resolve to persevere, clinging to the fragile hope that someday, her prayers would be answered.

When her daughter was born, Steph initially withdrew, resisting the urge to hold her newborn. She was convinced that all positive remarks on the baby’s physical appearance were attempts at consoling her. With my care-filled encouragement, she one day cradled her baby for the first time. The baby gripped her fingers even as Steph sought reassurance in the miracle and new hope that once again was given her.

As Steph embarked on the journey of motherhood in the shadow of her losing sight, she confronted the daunting task of unlearning familiar routines and adapting to her new reality.

Post-partum depression cast its long spirit on Steph. Fearing pity and burdening her husband, she lost hope and felt despair doing the same thing. The strain on their marriage heightened as she fought Jan, blaming him for her fate.

I would receive a call one night from Steph, crying on the other end of the line, asking for forgiveness. The weight of guilt and self-doubt echoed through the line because she felt guilty about disappointing everyone with her stubborn decision to marry early.

As a younger sibling who had always looked up to her with admiration, I helplessly witnessed Steph crumble under the weight of perceived failure. In that low moment of vulnerability, Steph made a pivotal decision to silence her self-doubt and embrace the challenge of navigating her new reality. It was a turning point, beginning her journey to acceptance and healing.

Steph found her biggest motivation in her daughter. Though unable to fully articulate her condition to her young child, she committed to carrying on as best she could, masking her struggles with a facade of normalcy. Little did she know, her daughter had already quietly adapted to her mother’s limitations. At just three years of age, she had already mastered the art of guiding her mother in their home or when they were out—a testament to her unwavering love and innate understanding.

In an expected moment of grace, a childhood friend’s observation sparked an overwhelming revelation within Steph. Her words, ‘You’re glowing! I can see that you have accepted your fate, spoken with familiarity and warmth, and resonated deeply, stirring a sense of peace and reassurance. It was as if God Himself was speaking through her friend, a gentle reminder of His constant presence and promise. ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you!’ In that moment, amidst her reflection, Steph realized she was not alone. That even in her darkest hours, she was enveloped in divine love and protection.

As a mother of three today, Steph guides and inspires her children, empowering them to excel academically and confidently pursue their passions. Her disability has not hindered her ability to provide love, support, and guidance, nor has it prevented her from embarking on thrilling adventures.

Twenty years have passed since that loss of sight. Steph reminisces about her arduous journey of healing and acceptance that has shaped her path. Despite facing adversity and frustration, she remains steadfast in her pursuit of joy and fulfillment, drawing strength from her unconditional trust and faith in God.

Steph’s resilience is a powerful testament to the triumph of the human spirit over adversity, inspiring all who know her to embrace life’s challenges with courage and grace.