MARICEL SALTA MACESAR
It will soon be 4 months since Mom went to sleep forever. A part of me still cannot believe that Mom is no longer with us. I have many moments when I am ok, yet a second after that, I am in ‘missing-you-badly-mom’ tears! I guess it will always be like this – there will always be this kind of ache and emptiness, a hole in my heart, one that will probably never be filled until I see Mom again.
They say the bond between a mother and her child runs deep, starting when we were still in our mother’s womb. Medical research found that there is a bidirectional transfer of cells, mother to baby and baby to mother, during pregnancy and that these cells don’t disappear, even after birth.
Perhaps the bond between me and Mom intensifies even more as I am an only child and grew up without a dad. Like any mother-daughter relationship, we also had fights and disagreements, but ultimately, it was still the two of us. Mom loved me fiercely and tried her best to protect me from the harshness of the world, more so as I grew up at a time when single motherhood was not acceptable, and you get ridiculed and judged for being born out of wedlock. She was very strong for ‘us,’ despite her family’s and society’s judgment of her. Mom took it all and accepted the Church’s instructions – and became very prayerful, a prayer warrior to many.
Even when I married later, Mom still cooked for my husband, Ed, and me, reminding us of our faith and values and being a loving, doting grandma to our daughter, Nis.
Mom was always the voice in my head to excel (because she always excelled, back in her days with honors at UP Diliman for her BS Pharmacy and the chairperson of the UP College of Pharmacy student council. And to be the best of me while keeping grounded on my Catholic faith. She taught me the power of prayer and devotion to Mother Mary and to look at life with hope and strength. She showed me that kindness and generosity never grow out of style and made sure I practiced it.
She was not just a Mom to us but to many people, she met along life’s journey. She would embrace them and treat them like her own children and grandchildren. Mom was this little lady, full of warmth, ready to give her tightest hug to those who needed it.
Even though Mom loved traveling, the last year and a half (after Mom’s first COVID) were difficult for her. Mom struggled a lot with Parkinson’s and dementia and lost her mobility (even writing). She spent her days praying, listening, and talking only when she liked to – the exact opposite of how Mom was: very sociable and conversant. She also had days when she would sleep and sleep. But even then, Mom never forgot to say ‘Thank you’ to the people caring for her daily and always told me of her immense love for us.
Mom and I had plans to celebrate her birthday with family and friends and travel to Jakarta. She was looking forward to it and even tried to stay healthy. In early June, Mom was still doing her PT sessions. In mid-June, Mom caught a cold. In two days, it slid to pneumonia, and Mom was confined for 18 days…. the beginning of that one long month before she passed away.
I thank the Lord for a beautiful one-month journey for me and Mom. It was a mother-daughter journey, and Mom taught me bigger and bigger faith and strength. As an only child growing up without a dad, Mom always wanted me to be strong. Little did I know that her last month would be my final training from Mom, with herself as the ‘protagonist.’
I thank the Lord for allowing me to be with Mom in her last few hours. I thank Mom for letting me be with her and say goodbye to her as she took her final journey to her eternal home. It is a blessing and grace to be with Mom until the end—always the two of us!
Dying on the feast day of St. Mary Magdalene, I would like to think that it is God’s reward to Mom, His redeeming grace for her lifelong love for Him and Mother Mary, and her simple devotion to prayer, family, and good works.
Looking back, I now understand why I had to do Mom’s big birthday bashes (two, in Bacolod and San Carlos last year for her 89th birthday). Mom saw family and friends far and near. She was even able to thank her doctors and nurses. By these, I wanted to show Mom how much she is loved; I wanted her to remember everyone she journeyed with.
Yes, I am grieving, for it was always ‘Mom and me’! I was her life and jewel. In her, I found my stronger faith!